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Games of the XXVI_<8)th Olympiad

August 5, 2008

Using an imperfect internet translation service, I have obtained the “true spirit” of the Olympics in a few different languages.

The Chinaman say:

第三世界國家試圖競爭反對世界大国使用磨刀的技能避免領土血液渴軍閥

Ze German bellows:

3. Weltländer versuchen, gegen Weltmächte unter Verwendung der Fähigkeiten zu konkurrieren, die sie die Vermeidung der territorialen blutrünstigen Kriegsherren abzogen

The polite Japanese man who holds familial honor in the highest regard yet loves groping 14 year old girls on the subway claims:

開発途上国の国は領土血ののどが渇いた将軍の回避を砥石で研いだ技術を使用して国際組織と競うように試みる

(the Japanese-to-English re-conversion is absolutely hilarious…literal translation from English to Japanese is a bit dodgy)

Now for some analysis. Please note that the bare minimum of research was done to produce this. A google image search was about it. Here is what you should care about:

1) Gymnastics – Genetically engineered near-midgets with the strength of several bulls hurl themselves through the air (or dance around like queers – you know, that mat event with the ribbons) with total disregard their own well being. The ultimate goal of course is to win a gold medal, and hopefully become famous enough in Serbia/Croatia/FYR Macedonia that your celebrity sex tape actually makes headline news. The USA is pretty good at this, I think. At least the women. I seem to recall the men blowing the team competition last time but they are probably good again in 2008. I’m sure there are some returning members since our dictator’s son doesn’t have Olympic failures summarily executed (coughcoughIraqcough).

2) Track and Field – The Olympics uses the outdoor variety, and the USA usually dominates with our wicked strong big white guys and our wicked fast sleek black guys. Well, those that haven’t been banned for doping anyway. People love this shit but I’m on the fence about it. They really need to have a few more events. The big guys running the 100m, 110m hurdles, and the 1500m, while the runners do the pole vault, javelin throw, and boot toss (similar to the hammer toss, popularized in the 1989 Nintendo classic “Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular”). That would be entertaining.

3) Swimming and diving – Another sport I like, because the USA usually rapes the competition. This year is a bit creepy though, because some of the male swimmers are going to be wearing full body suits. I can’t help but think some dude with a very, very tiny chance of victory is just going to mail it in and show up wearing that Borat thong. Diving is great because they jump off of that huge platform, and you really have to watch every dive, because someone always totally blows it and ends up flailing into the water.

4) Soccer – The Olympic website actually calls this “football”, like the rest of the world. Conversations about Brett Favre will somehow sneak into Olympic Soccer broadcasts for this very reason. The USA men’s team is in the hardest overall group (hmmm, two huge international competitions in a row now…”Random draw” my ass). The rules for Olympic squads require all but 3 players to be under 23, those 3 can be anyone, usually older players. We are sending Brian McBride. Brazil is sending Ronaldinho. WTF.

Also, for at least the 2nd time, women’s soccer is an olympic sport. The USA has a team. Our best forward had her leg snapped in about 60 places a few weeks ago. I’m Hope-ing for gratuitious shots of our goalie:

You could say she is our best “Hope” for a gold medal.

5) Basketball – What the Christ, all these other countries are now sweet at basketball. This USA Men’s team looks pretty good, and the jerseys are really tight, which should help. And the 3 point line is moved in about 2 feet, which should bring Carmelo’s 3pt FG% from 6% in the NBA to maybe 25% in Beijing. The Chinese men’s team is cool, because it features the tallest men in China. When a 7ft6 guy is born in China he pretty much has no choice but to play basketball. As much as he wants to be an actuary instead of playing hoops, Yao Ming must represent his country on the court.

6) Human Rights – China sucks at this, so Bob Costas and that other really short guy at the NBC sports desk (Jim something?) will probably talk about it non-stop. Also, apparently we must call it the “People’s Republic of China” or the PRC. China just wants to be like the rest of the awesomest countries and has indocrinated this initialism. However unlike other cool countries with lots of money(the USA, U.K., and UAE), China still kind of sucks and they are USING ALL THE FUCKING OIL. So, much like North Korea (total shithole), who also thinks they deserve an initialism, I am still referring to them as China. Until they fix their human rights and polution issues I refuse to abreviate them.

I am able to throw North Korea under the bus without fear of retaliation from its citizens because they cannot, in fact, actually access the internet in North Korea.

Random fact: Kuala Lumpur actually put in a bid to host the 2008 Olympics. Seriously. Does Malaysia even have an airport? Every time I play Pandemic 2, Malaysia is the first to be ravaged by my infectious disease. A harbinger of things to come should KL ever host an event like the Olympics.

FYI, here’s the block of text I originally translated…compare it with a Babel Fish re-translation of the native text:

3rd world countries attempt to compete against world powers using skills they honed avoiding territorial blood thirsty warlords

For reference, as I realize you may not have (nor have the ability to install) the proper language fonts:

Chinese: “The third world country attempts to compete the opposition world power use mill knife skill to avoid the territory blood thirsty warlord”

German: “3. World countries try to compete against world powers using the abilities which took it off the avoidance of the territorial blutrünstigen commanders”

And, easily the best, from Japanese: “As for the country of developing country using the technology which ground the evasion of the General where the throat of the territory blood is thirsty with the grindstone in order to rival with international organization, you try”

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Ashley permalink
    August 5, 2008 2:12 pm

    Fucking hilarious as always, you try.

  2. andy permalink*
    August 5, 2008 2:37 pm

    The Chinese is actually remarkably close, although I’m not sure where they get “mill knife” from. I think even the Japanese interpretation of hone as “grindstone” is closer.

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