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Wanted: Pen pals for Michael Vick

December 14, 2007

I haven’t really paid much attention to the whole Vick case, but things are getting pretty ridiculous in recent days (see the Roddy White thing below). CNN recently ran a story about Vick pleading with the judge to be more lenient with him. The article is pretty hilarious because it features direct quotes from letters that Vick and his mother wrote to the judge (after he had been sentenced, no less). CNN is really on top of this whole unintentional comedy thing. I can’t help but think that these writers craft these stories, read them once over and actually laugh at them, and then publish them anyway for our enjoyment.

Here we go:

Disgraced former NFL star Michael Vick declared that “I am not the bad person or the beast I’ve been made out to be” in a letter to a judge asking for leniency.

“I have been talked about and ridiculed on a day to day basis by people who really don’t know Michael Vick the human being. They only knew the football player which is unfair,” Vick said in a handwritten letter released this week.

First off, they could not have picked a worse picture to use. That picture just screams “I’m gonna kill you sucka.” Second, I’m pretty sure that people are aware of who Michael Vick the human being is: someone who endorses and helps organize the “sport” of dog fighting, despite the fact that he makes millions off of sports contracts and endorsement deals. They only knew the football player? You wish they only knew the football player, buddy. They do know who you are, and almost everyone outside of Atlanta is pretty happy you are going to rot in the slammer for the better part of 2 years.
Third…THE LETTER IS FREAKING HAND WRITTEN! Ahahahahahhaha. Are you kidding me? What an idiot. He probably used wide ruled paper too. Here, it gets better:

Other letters supporting Vick were sent by his mother, his seventh-grade teacher and children he had met since becoming a star and one of the NFL’s most highly paid players.

Jack Donaghy: All you need is someone to look up to, a role model.
Like R. Kelly and Michael Vick?

Good to know that the kids want his jail sentence reduced. Good to know someone hasn’t explained to them that he’s responsible for heinous abuse and killing of animals. Way to go American parenting. If “Grand Theft Auto” doesn’t teach it, it’s not worth learning.

“PLEASE Your HONOR give my baby Michael another chance. [H]e’s never been in trouble with the law before, PLEASE! PLEASE! one more chance,” she pleaded in her own handwritten letter.

How do you make millions and millions of dollars and not manage to buy your poor mother a fucking laptop? She’s even got the all caps thing down already, she’s poised and ready to annoy tons of relatives with all caps emails.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2007 4:01 pm

    Michael Vick declared that “I am not the bad person or the beast I’ve been made out to be”

    If I were him, I would stay away from the animal imagery in this case. Just a thought for Mister “tortured dogs to death” Vick

  2. Phillipe permalink
    December 17, 2007 12:56 pm

    fuck you vic.

  3. Jesse permalink
    December 17, 2007 9:34 pm

    I think it was wrong what he did but he is not the only person in this country that has done the whole dog fighting thing. If I could I would write to him and tell him that I still admire him and hope he goes back to the NFL! There are people in the country HELL the whole world that do far worse things to dogs.

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