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Awful commercials, round 2

December 5, 2007

Every few weeks, ad companies come out with a new round of commercials designed to badger the everloving christ out of anyone who watches TV for more than 1 hour. Well I suppose that’s not the true intention, but it’s definitely the unintended effect.

The Bad

Dr. Pepper. This commercial has got to stop. It was mildly entertaining the first one or two times I saw it but good lord they’ve been cranking it up lately with this one.

On its own, it’s not so bad, but one station was seriously airing this every single commercial break during NFL broadcasts. Which have approximately 1,000,000,000,000,000 commercial breaks per game. The only redeeming factor about this commercial is that you can insist “but it’s Gleason’s first career touchdown” every time it shows and someone complains about it.

Jared: The Ad Nausea of Jewelers. These are terrible and we get them force fed every single holiday season. He went to Jared. He bought these $5000 diamond earings because he’s cheating on me.

The one where they text the guy “do u have brothers” is especially bad. I don’t get it. Can jewelry play MP3s? Video games? Connect to the internet? Advertising for jewelry just seems a little unnecessary. No guy who doesn’t see these ads is going to be like “I wanted to get my wife something special for her to wear this Christmas, so I got her this jogging vest”. What? Jewelry is a defacto gift for certain situations. Dude is not going to go out to get an engagement ring and come back with Lowe’s gift card. This is like advertising gasoline for sale.

Lexus. Ugh, who buys a $70,000 car for someone for Christmas? I mean in the commercials these cars aren’t parked outside mansions. They’re in front of modest houses. The reality of this situation would be the wife screaming at her husband for being such a moron and incurring another enormous monthly bill for them to pay.

Macy’s. Jessica Simpson has to act for a split second and say an entire two words and still seems incredibly awkward trying to do it. It begins with Usher stealing vinyls and even Donald Trump is in it. Why? Why would Donald Trump do this? I don’t think he’s hit up for work and it’s certainly not the sex appeal. Also Emiril is in it, but I think that’s just coincidence. He was probably doing one of those mall demonstrations for some cooking tool since he got canned on Food Network because he doesn’t have a nice pair of tits. Or at least because he doesn’t show his.

A very appropriate YouTube comment: “Ah, nothing makes me want to shop more than a compendium of the most irritating celebrities in America. Thanks, Macy’s!”

The Good

Verizon? I’m shocked. Finally they have canned that awful “you’re my #1” for a new commercial. I don’t understand how something that’s actually clever and well executed comes from the same company as the “you’re my #1” shit.

It works because the entire idea of kids asking for a pony or a grenade launcher is so absurd. Not the gift itself, but what the hell do you do with it once you get it? They tied the pony to the doghouse in the back yard, freaking awesome. Having a pony in suburbia is like owning a Porsche 911 GT2 and living in downtown D.C. The comedic timing is also pretty good and the actors don’t seem like total idiots. This is a good TV commercial. Verizon gets a bit of a reprieve thanks to this, but I’d still switch if I could.

I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting. I’m sure someone is preparing some horrific attempt at hip advertising that will show up within the next few weeks.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 6, 2007 12:08 am

    Diamond commercials are the worst.

    Nothing says “I love you” like the physical manifestation of human rights abuses, civil war, and indentured servitude in Sierra Leone and Angola.
    But they sure are shiny and pretty!

  2. December 6, 2007 12:11 am

    On a happier note, that Verizon commercial is pretty good.

    The angry Shetland pony eating the doghouse it’s chained to makes it so much better.

  3. Ashley permalink
    December 6, 2007 11:10 am

    Take it from a female, DO NOT EVER buy a piece of jewelry featured in a Jared, Kay’s, or any other diamond chain commercial. Not only is it poor quality (Diamonds starting at $99… for real?), but it shows that you went out and bought what everyone else bought. Your sweetie will be reminded of how little thought you put into the gift every time she sees one of a million other women wearing the exacty same HIDEOUS diamond pendant the day after Christmas. Jewelry really is overrated and 97% of it is just plain ugly and tacky. Can I get some other female Mission Critical readers to agree me with on this one?

    Also, I didn’t see a mention for the Verizon commercial with Beyonce. UPGRADE, UPGRADE, ALL AROUND ME, UPGRADE. Holy mother of god… the next time I see that commercial, I am going to UPCHUCK.

  4. Keri permalink
    December 6, 2007 2:12 pm

    Ashley is 100% correct.

    If it has a tv commercial, don’t go there. The quality stuff does not need to advertise. Nothing says, “I didn’t know what to get you and then this commercial came on while I was watching the game”, like Kay’s or Jared. Those commercials are for clueless men and are really annoying and insulting. Sorry, not all women want diamonds and if they do, they definetly don’t want cheap stuff that comes from the mall. You’re losing money on that one.

    Jewelry is an investment – goes towards your net worth. Cars, flat screen tvs, and all that other stuff depreciates the second you start wanting one. Financially speaking, the ring you spent 3 months salary on belongs to both of you. And if you get divorced, it is counted in the settlement.

    Also, there are man made ones and they can be tracked and traced – no moral issues – and they’re less expensive.

    Now, all that said, I’m not a big fan of diamonds as gifts. In my opinion, they should be bought as investments and worn later in life (or to special events). Young women with diamonds just look like they’re wearing fake jewelry. I can’t stand the people who buy them because they’re pretty and they want to have a diamond. If that was your only motivation they were probably cheap and basically worthless- save up and get a good one later on in life.

  5. andy permalink*
    December 10, 2007 10:36 am

    Oh yeah I forgot how much I hate that Beyonce commercial. The worst part about it is how lame the dancing is.

    And why does she have that gold “upgrade” thing in her mouth at some point? God it’s terrible. So, so terrible.

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