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From Russia, With Love…and probably black lung

November 28, 2007

After quite a long track record of making jokes about ordering a Ukrainian bride from the internet, I actually decided to go and investigate the legitimacy of such a purchase. I went to Google and got a bunch of bullshit hits but I did manage to find one site that at least feigns authenticity. This is my favorite paragraph:

We offer personals of beautiful women from Russia and Ukraine for dating. Our honest agency provides pictures of beautiful women – beautiful Russian women that some consider as the most beautiful women in the world – sexy Russia bride and sexy Ukraine bride. We introduce you to Russian women looking for marriage. These are Russian women seeking marriage as sincere and mariage minded.

It’s much better if you imagine someone saying it in a terrible Russian accent and leave some of the s’s off of the plural words. I find it hard to believe that the pictures of the women on the site are actually the miner’s daughters that they offer for marriage. The pictures look kind of old and the website looks like it was made with a free Geocities website editor circa 1997. I’m surprised there isn’t a “best viewed with Netscape Navigator” image somewhere on the first page or a link to the webmaster’s personal bass guitar tablature homepage.

By far my favorite part is that this Ukrainian bride site has a shopping cart. You can also do some apartment hunting for homes in Odessa. I wonder if they have some kind of new lease signing offer whereby you get a cage full of canaries so that you can tell if your new apartment is flooded with carbon monoxide leaking up from the old coal mine the building was put on.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. marino permalink
    November 28, 2007 3:53 pm

    i checked out the site. awesome.

    bikini shots if you are a member. turns out, one of the blonde women who i found semi-attractive is, according to her profile, a microbiologist! that would be quite useful. get her here, have incredibly awkward, semi-forced/weird expectation/consumating a horrific marriage sex, then put her to work in a field where her salary would most likely dwarf mine (admittedly not a difficult thing to do). presto-i’ve got an indentured servant, who, (in addition to her sexual obligations to me for freeing her from whatever hell she endured in Ukraine) will more than double my personal income.

    hooray for globalization! hooray for the illicit sex trade! hooray for me.

  2. Keri permalink
    November 29, 2007 1:30 pm

    OK, fantastic find. My favorite line from one of the bios (from a girl that looks no older than 14, though it says she’s 22): “I am kind, sincere and purposeful.” Yes, purposeful. I like it.

    However, this is pretty good as well: “I like keeping a cozy home. I am womanly, attractive, sincere, kind and communicative.”

  3. December 10, 2007 12:49 pm

    Perhaps something to consider when looking for your Russian or Ukrainian bride. Stay away from “big” agencies and websites. Look for smaller agencies in smaller cities. you will find better service, honest service and more authentic women there.

    Every day I work with men who are serious about finding love abroad and this motto is key.

  4. April 25, 2008 5:48 am

    I absolutely agree. Great read and very informative.

  5. June 13, 2008 11:39 pm

    I use to laugh and make fun of any man that would marry a mail order bride. Now I’m married to one and I’m in heaven. Family is the most important thing to her and despite the 20 years difference in our age she is my best friend and supporter.

    We are now raising two beautiful children together and each morning I wake early just so I can watch her sleeping and think what a lucky guy I am.

    p.s. I used but there are many other good sites too. Just dont try it on your own and because the immigration process is lengthy and you have to have meet her, at least once, in the Ukraine marrying a mail order bride isn’t cheap from a travel or legal perspective. But for me worth every dime.

    p.s.s. For you nay sayers that think everyone is out to get your Wal-mart salaries use a pre-nup.

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