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Like Thanksgiving? Enjoy your heart attack!

November 15, 2007

The other day, as I stepped onto the metro, I received my daily copy of The Express from the nice toothless woman who hands them out. I very much appreciate this publication. It’s basically just snippets from the Washington Post and short versions of top AP stories. And, usually, a bunch of stuff trashing the Redskins, which is always hilarious. It’s so short and concise that I even read stories from sections of the paper I never venture into such as style and politics. It’s a good way to kill the 30 minute ride I have out to my office.

However, on this day, I saw what is quite possibly one of the most pointless (in principle, at least) 2 page spreads I’ve ever encountered in all my days of reading and/or looking at pictures. “Cooking Up a Healthy Holiday”.  The opening paragraph:

WHENEVER GLASSES CLINK over holiday smorgasbords, the accompanying toasts generally reference wishes for good health. Yet, if people stopped to look down at their plates, they’d see their meals as odes to clogged arteries and love handles. It’s possible to be jolly without getting a Santa stomach, but that requires checking out recipes to figure out what’s naughty and what’s nice.

Yes, of course. The meals are odes to clogged arteries. Because people stuff themselves like this every single day, and Thanksgiving is the time when they sit down to remember their poor eating habits.

Wait, they don’t? This is just once a year, with family and friends…a celebration you say? Yes, it’s a celebration, bitches.  It happens once a year. There is just no fucking need to “slim down” a Thanksgiving Day meal. None at all. Someone who is on a strict, healthy diet is not going to be knocked off track by eating a lot on one day. Seriously, it’s just once. It’s food, not heroin, people aren’t going to be hooked on 4000 calories a day because of one holiday meal. At the other end of the spectrum, people who eat total crap every day aren’t going to be helped very much by a “slimmed down” Thanksgiving feast. Ooohhh, awesome, Uncle Glutton will have his 3rd heart attack 4 minutes later since mom cooked the potatoes with low fat yogurt instead of cream cheese (or whatever is put in mashed potatoes, I don’t do any cooking outside of the microwave).

The only good thing about this dumbass article is that someone actually said, and was quoted, using the term “creamy, rich mouth-feel”. Fucking mouth-feel? Did I wake up and someone removed the word “texture” from the English language?

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