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If you want DirecTV and have a job you are just fucked

October 3, 2007

Having recently moved, my roommate and I decided to get DirecTV. They’re loading up a ton of HD channels in the coming months and cable has got absolutely nothing on the satellite picture quality and channel selection. Sounds great, right? Not so great. Because DirecTV practically has a monopoly on the satellite TV business, let alone the HD channel business (Dish Network is like the autistic brother of DirecTV, don’t let their ads fool you), apparently they can just do whatever the fuck they want. Let me take you through my experience with DirecTV. This is not a comedy of errors, this is a comedy of fuckups.

1) I call one night to set up internet and satellite installation. My satellite order is confirmed, I pick a service package with all the good HD and sports stuff (I was a coinflip away from adding every possible adult channel as well), give the rep billing info, all that good stuff.

2) I call again to confirm, because I never believe these idiots. Good thing I did! Naturally, my order didn’t go through. They have no record of it. I have to do it all over again and OF COURSE my installation date is moved back 3 days. Awesome.

3) I find out I’m changing projects at work. I have to start at a new project the day of my DTV installation, which means there’s no chance in hell that I can take a half day to be home for the installation. AWESOME.

4) I call what is supposedly the local installer’s office to try and work something out. Maybe throw their dude a $50 in straight cash if he’ll come after 5. Oh but wait, the # I was given is not the installer’s office. It’s some customer service exchange that fronts calls for them. I explain my situation. The lady seems nice enough but I am put on hold for 25 minutes while she tries to contact the installer. Eventually I hang up. Bitch.

5) I call back and get another guy. Repeat explanation of my situation. He offers to e-mail the installation office that I’ve been trying to talk to and have them call me this morning to work something out. This is less than ideal but it’s the best shot I have. I agree. He starts laughing into the microphone for like 30 seconds after some other call center person makes a funny. I hear all of his horse laugh. Real professional. It takes him literally 2 minutes to type this 1 sentence e-mail. I don’t have a lot of faith.

6) 11:30am comes and not surprisingly I have heard nothing. My only cell phone call is these annoying fuckers with some spam-happy college loan consolidation firm that I’ve been ignoring for a week. So I decide to call the idiots from last night back.

7) It keeps getting better! This lady now tells me that all the e-mail did was get me on a “cancellation list”, which means if some other poor sap realizes he has a full-time job and can’t take time off to have satellite TV installed, he’ll cancel and they’ll call me [NOTE: they actually had my phone # wrong in their system, so they would have called someone else whose phone # is kind of like mine]. This is obviously not what I signed up for, the dicks doing the install were supposed to personally contact me to see if something couldn’t be worked out.

8 ) The new bitch on the phone refuses to give me the installation office’s #. Awesome. Finally I am forced to bite the bullet and reschedule my installation for NEXT SATURDAY the 13th. Just terrific.

9) Oh wait, we’re not done yet! Apparently they’d missed the 5-6 times I’d repeated that my address was blah blah blah, apartment 2. New lady informs me that I’ll need a written statement from the landlord to install the dish. So even if I had been able to take a half day on Thursday, I didn’t have a letter (nobody had mentioned this yet in any of my half dozen previous calls) and the installer would not have been able to do anything.

This is on top of the laughable incompetence that I’ve had to deal with going through Verizon to try and get FIOS…or DSL…or wait, FIOS…wait, no, can’t get FIOS, has to be DSL…………..OH MY FUCKING GOD I’M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE.

I think that when the DirecTV guy gets here finally, I’m going to eviscerate him with the dullest knife I can find. Then I’ll bath in his blood. I’ll eat his flesh for lunch for a week and I’ll drag his fucking bones around behind my car for as long as possible. I think it’s only fair.

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